Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of JillianKarger's best tweets

@JillianKarger : DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised? ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

@JillianKarger: I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

@JillianKarger: “Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”

-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses

@JillianKarger: me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet

@JillianKarger: OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for

GUARD: [licks lips] I'm not looking for droids handsome

@JillianKarger: [picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day

@JillianKarger: ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that's not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help

@JillianKarger: [Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I'll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

@JillianKarger: DARTH VADER: I am your father

LUKE: Buy me some jeans then

DV: *reluctantly hands over money* ...You better actually buy jeans with this