Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of JimGaffigan's best tweets

@JimGaffigan : GOALS FOR MORNING: Run Clean up Hang w/ kids Workout Write Get organized Respond to emails Return calls SO FAR: Wrote this About to nap

@JimGaffigan: In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

@JimGaffigan: As long as McDonald's doesn't make us pay with excercise.

@JimGaffigan: A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

@JimGaffigan: Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.

@JimGaffigan: "Today I'm just going to wear pajamas all day." - Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.

@JimGaffigan: I didn't get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

@JimGaffigan: "Hey you know how everyone's favorite part of the sandwich is the meat, let's add an extra slice of bread?" - Inventor of club sandwich

@JimGaffigan: When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one should be that happy.