@JimGaffigan: In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
@JimGaffigan: A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
@JimGaffigan: Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
@JimGaffigan: "Today I'm just going to wear pajamas all day." - Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
@JimGaffigan: I didn't get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
@JimGaffigan: "Hey you know how everyone's favorite part of the sandwich is the meat, let's add an extra slice of bread?" - Inventor of club sandwich
@JimGaffigan: When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one should be that happy.