Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
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If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.