Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
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Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.