Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
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When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???