her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
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Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Okey dokey.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait