Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
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*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*