95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
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It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
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“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday