Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of JohnLyonTweets's best tweets

@JohnLyonTweets : *applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*

@JohnLyonTweets: Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

@JohnLyonTweets: Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

@JohnLyonTweets: My neighbors' trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

@JohnLyonTweets: Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

@JohnLyonTweets: Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I'll be doing exactly but being a "fall guy" sounds important.

@JohnLyonTweets: Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.

@JohnLyonTweets: Sorry I wrote "harvest organs" on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

@JohnLyonTweets: When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole "vampire/not a vampire" question out of the way.

@JohnLyonTweets: Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.