@JohnLyonTweets: Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
@JohnLyonTweets: My neighbors' trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
@JohnLyonTweets: Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
@JohnLyonTweets: Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I'll be doing exactly but being a "fall guy" sounds important.
@JohnLyonTweets: Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
@JohnLyonTweets: Sorry I wrote "harvest organs" on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
@JohnLyonTweets: When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole "vampire/not a vampire" question out of the way.