@JohnLyonTweets: *searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
@JohnLyonTweets: Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
@JohnLyonTweets: I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
@JohnLyonTweets: [police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, "Gimme your purse, you old hag."
Me: You've got it wrong. I said "old woman," not "old hag."
@JohnLyonTweets: Apparently doctors don't like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
@JohnLyonTweets: -Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
@JohnLyonTweets: That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.