Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of JohnLyonTweets's best tweets

@JohnLyonTweets : Hot coffee: Perfect! Iced coffee: Delicious! Room-temperature coffee: The most disgusting liquid on earth.

@JohnLyonTweets: I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

@JohnLyonTweets: Those "free hugs" people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

@JohnLyonTweets: I'm going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

@JohnLyonTweets: My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

@JohnLyonTweets: "I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you." -Liam Neeson opening a Where's Waldo book

@JohnLyonTweets: Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

@JohnLyonTweets: Me at dinner on a first date: I'm not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

@JohnLyonTweets: "What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?" -the invention of skiing

@JohnLyonTweets: Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.