@JohnLyonTweets: -Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
@JohnLyonTweets: That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
@JohnLyonTweets: If a woman looks sad, tell her "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
@JohnLyonTweets: Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
@JohnLyonTweets: Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
@JohnLyonTweets: Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue...