Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of JohnLyonTweets's best tweets

@JohnLyonTweets : My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

@JohnLyonTweets: [first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

@JohnLyonTweets: "We're not lost!" Dad would insist, despite Mom's complaints that "This isn't on the map" and "We shouldn't be seeing the ocean from Tulsa."

@JohnLyonTweets: A tornado can get rough quickly, so it's important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

@JohnLyonTweets: Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I'm under investigation for murder.

@JohnLyonTweets: [dog trial]
D.A.: Who's a good boy?
Dog: *wags tail*
D.A.: Then how do you explain the scattered trash?
Dog: *ears droop*
*jury gasps*

@JohnLyonTweets: I'm sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

@JohnLyonTweets: Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.

@JohnLyonTweets: My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn't ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

@JohnLyonTweets: Her: You're an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren't funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!