Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of JohnLyonTweets's best tweets

@JohnLyonTweets : Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter. Me: This isn’t going to work out.

@JohnLyonTweets: *searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*

OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.

@JohnLyonTweets: Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

@JohnLyonTweets: I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

@JohnLyonTweets: [police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, "Gimme your purse, you old hag."

Me: You've got it wrong. I said "old woman," not "old hag."

@JohnLyonTweets: Apparently doctors don't like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

@JohnLyonTweets: -Marital tech support, how can I help you?

-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.

-Have you tried turning her off and back on?

-I did the first part.

@JohnLyonTweets: That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.

@JohnLyonTweets: "I don't want a boyfriend." -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn't me