Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of JohnLyonTweets's best tweets

@JohnLyonTweets : Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.

@JohnLyonTweets: Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.

@JohnLyonTweets: [babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

@JohnLyonTweets: Me: It was just one time and I'll never see her again. She means nothing to me.

Barber: I don't care who cut your hair last, sir.

@JohnLyonTweets: To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

@JohnLyonTweets: Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

@JohnLyonTweets: Date: I'm excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?

Me: In a minute I'll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.

@JohnLyonTweets: Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

@JohnLyonTweets: My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

@JohnLyonTweets: [first date]

Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.

Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.