Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of JohnLyonTweets's best tweets

@JohnLyonTweets : Apparently doctors don't like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

@JohnLyonTweets: -Marital tech support, how can I help you?

-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.

-Have you tried turning her off and back on?

-I did the first part.

@JohnLyonTweets: That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.

@JohnLyonTweets: "I don't want a boyfriend." -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn't me

@JohnLyonTweets: If a woman looks sad, tell her "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

@JohnLyonTweets: I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

@JohnLyonTweets: Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

@JohnLyonTweets: Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

@JohnLyonTweets: Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?

@JohnLyonTweets: Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue...