Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of JohnLyonTweets's best tweets

@JohnLyonTweets : IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol? Me: They're my dependencies. IRS: It's "dependents." Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

@JohnLyonTweets: Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

@JohnLyonTweets: Doctor: Where it says "health conditions" on the form you wrote "confusion." I don't understand.

Me: So you have it too?

@JohnLyonTweets: *turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

@JohnLyonTweets: Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

@JohnLyonTweets: Art teacher: I think you've misunderstood. It's the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.

@JohnLyonTweets: *shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*

Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.

@JohnLyonTweets: *leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*

Try and spy on me now!

*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*

SON OF A

@JohnLyonTweets: Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

@JohnLyonTweets: A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.