@JohnLyonTweets: Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
@JohnLyonTweets: Doctor: Where it says "health conditions" on the form you wrote "confusion." I don't understand.
Me: So you have it too?
@JohnLyonTweets: *turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
@JohnLyonTweets: Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
@JohnLyonTweets: Art teacher: I think you've misunderstood. It's the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
@JohnLyonTweets: *shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
@JohnLyonTweets: *leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
@JohnLyonTweets: Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
@JohnLyonTweets: A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.