@JohnLyonTweets: Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
@JohnLyonTweets: Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
@JohnLyonTweets: Her: Why are you still calling? You know it's over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
@JohnLyonTweets: [caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
@JohnLyonTweets: Disney movies taught me there's nothing I can't accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
@JohnLyonTweets: If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
@JohnLyonTweets: Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That's messed up.