Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of JohnLyonTweets's best tweets

@JohnLyonTweets : Sure my haircuts weren't always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

@JohnLyonTweets: Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

@JohnLyonTweets: I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

@JohnLyonTweets: Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.

@JohnLyonTweets: Her: Why are you still calling? You know it's over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

@JohnLyonTweets: [caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

@JohnLyonTweets: Disney movies taught me there's nothing I can't accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

@JohnLyonTweets: If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

@JohnLyonTweets: Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.

Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.

@JohnLyonTweets: [hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That's messed up.