The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
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Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.