Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
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I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
@ candidates for local office
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.