Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
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I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.