The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
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Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Risking my life for fun.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.