I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
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WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
#CoronaOutbreak
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?