I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
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When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
cat vs inanimate object
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow