Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta