A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
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why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
How to properly lift a body
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
real
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired