The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
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Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Good morning y’all ☀️
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.