Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
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I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.