“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
You Might Also Like
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost