Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
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WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
This took me a second..
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.