Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of JustDontBugMe's best tweets

@JustDontBugMe : M&M Customer service rep: How may I help you today? Me: I'm just furious right now! I paid good money for a bag of M&M's and all I got was this bag full of W's! I want my money back! Rep: Ma'am, please calm down. It's ok. Just flip it upside down Me: well this is embarrassing

@JustDontBugMe: [on the phone with cable company]

Me: how do I cancel my cable?

Rep: first you go to our website and look for our FAQ section-

*30 minutes later*

Rep: -and then you have to steal the Declaration of Independence to get to the map on the back. The map will lead you to a clue-

@JustDontBugMe: Look, kid, sorry I ate your ice cream out of your hand but at the rate you were licking, it was either gonna be me or the ground.

@JustDontBugMe: I wanted to buy your kid a drum set for her birthday to annoy you but she hates drums.

So instead I bought her a haunted porcelain doll that gets up and plays the drums at 3am

@JustDontBugMe: [Date Night]

*Ties you up*

*Handcuffs you to the chair*

*Takes out the whip*

WHERE DID YOU HIDE THE CHEESECAKE?!

@JustDontBugMe: Like my priest always says, "Your confessions are the reason I drink."

@JustDontBugMe: Me: I was arrested for drunk driving.
Mom: *faints*
Me: Kidding! I failed my history test.
Mom: Whew. Ok.
*2 mins later*
Mom:Failed a test??

@JustDontBugMe: [Ouija Board]

Me: Is anyone around?

Board: N O T Y O U A G A I N

@JustDontBugMe: Me: *carrying a heavy bag*

Him: Whoa, take it easy. Let me help.

M: I’m OK. I'm a strong, independent person. I don't need help.

[seconds later]

M: *crying* I CAN'T FEEL MY FINGERS!

@JustDontBugMe: Mom: Why didn't you answer your phone?
M: I was in a lecture.
Mom: Where are you now?
M: Walking the dog.
Mom: You need better excuses.
M: It's the truth.
Mom: Then put the dog on.