*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
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Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life