Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of JustDontBugMe's best tweets

@JustDontBugMe : Iron Man: *mouth full of shawarma* do you think Watson solved the case? Dr. Strange: probably. we trained him well. If not, we'll just reverse time and get it done.

@JustDontBugMe: Dr. Strange showed us that texting while driving is necessary for the survival of humanity.

@JustDontBugMe: I doubt that my secrets are safe in your hands given that the raccoon was able to steal a corndog from you the other day.

@JustDontBugMe: [Before Marriage]

ME, looking into the mirror: ugh. my eyebrows are out of control, I need to get them waxed.

HIM, placing a finger on the lips: shhh, you're still perfect.

[After Marriage]

HIM: GOOD GOD GROUCHO MARX!!!

@JustDontBugMe: [Wedding]

Dad: it's considered bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony.

Me: Yeah, I know. It's why I'm facetiming him.

@JustDontBugMe: Well, if a raccoon doesn’t have to justify it's actions, why do I need to tell my mom that I ate the entire bag of M&M’s?

@JustDontBugMe: [at 10pm]

ME: MOOOOMMMMMM!!!

MOM: *frantically* WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED!!?

ME: Could you wash these jeans?

MOM: what have I told you about laundry after 9pm?

ME: oh, right. DAAAADDDDDD!!!

@JustDontBugMe: [God creating Raccoons]

GOD: Make a giant squirrel that's dressed like a burglar and greedy af.

ANGEL: UMMM...

GOD: But not wily enough to steal the infinity stones from Thanos.

ANGEL: SIGH.

@JustDontBugMe: [The dream]
Ahhhh, camping. The great outdoors, just nature for company...

[Reality]
*Playing Call of Duty all weekend with just take out pizza and soda pop for company*

@JustDontBugMe: M: MOMMMM, where are the scissors? I just bought a new pair!

Edward Scissorhands: You mean these?

M: Yesss! Could you just stop stealing my scissors every time you break a nail?!