“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
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Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial