I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
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god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right