Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
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John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok