How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
You Might Also Like
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos