How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
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INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Social distancing in Australia:
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
do horses think humans are hats
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.