Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
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{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”