Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
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Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
do what now??
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car