[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
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Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
It do be feeling this way.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Bed should get ready for ME
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer