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INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Nice try, NASA
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line