construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
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For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions