I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
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[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
We like the way Dwight thinks
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
There’s never enough good news
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]