Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
You Might Also Like
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.