Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
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Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Need WebMD
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.