[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
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Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Nice try, poison.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
This why you should mind your business
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.