JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
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[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Yoga Matt
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder