One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
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Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick