Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Karissajem's best tweets

@Karissajem : Listen up, bagel man. We've got a good thing going here so let's not mess it up by you asking if I want the fat free cream cheese instead.

@Karissajem: Nephew: Wouldn't it be cool to breathe fire like a dragon?
Me:*drinking gin straight from the bottle* We're about to find out, kid.

@Karissajem: Me: I'm quitting to go play guitar for Metallica.
Boss: Wow! I wasn't aware that you even played guitar.
Me: Let's not make this difficult.

@Karissajem: Me: I have a memory like an elephant.
Him: Elephants get drunk all the time and forget everything too?
Me: Yes.

@Karissajem: Neighbors just got a pirate ship playhouse for their backyard. Drunk me has never been so excited.

@Karissajem: So, this woman stopped to ask me if my hair color was "supposed to look natural."

My hair is purple, guys. Purple.

@Karissajem: Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I'm some sort of amateur?

*googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*