Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
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Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
when you are just born a rebel
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
this has to be peak English
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”