today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
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[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
And then there were 4
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.