If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
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Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.