the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
You Might Also Like
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
March 16
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.