That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
You Might Also Like
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
why isn’t he texting back
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.