“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
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I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.