Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of KentWGraham's best tweets

@KentWGraham : We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”

@KentWGraham: Didn't find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

@KentWGraham: Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.

@KentWGraham: My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

@KentWGraham: I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

@KentWGraham: Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

@KentWGraham: My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

@KentWGraham: Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

@KentWGraham: The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I'm not telling her.

@KentWGraham: I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.