Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of KentWGraham's best tweets

@KentWGraham : The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I'm not telling her.

@KentWGraham: I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.

@KentWGraham: I've carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

@KentWGraham: When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

@KentWGraham: If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

@KentWGraham: My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.

@KentWGraham: I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

@KentWGraham: I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

@KentWGraham: <reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

@KentWGraham: A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.