Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of KentWGraham's best tweets

@KentWGraham : I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.

@KentWGraham: Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

@KentWGraham: If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

@KentWGraham: I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

@KentWGraham: If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

@KentWGraham: The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.

@KentWGraham: My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

@KentWGraham: Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.

@KentWGraham: After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.