Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of KentWGraham's best tweets

@KentWGraham : The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.

@KentWGraham: My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

@KentWGraham: Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.

@KentWGraham: After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.

@KentWGraham: I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

@KentWGraham: “Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.

@KentWGraham: Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?

@KentWGraham: There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

@KentWGraham: If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.

@KentWGraham: Why do doctor's offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it's going to be high then.