@KentWGraham: There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
@KentWGraham: Things that don’t exist:
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
@KentWGraham: I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
@KentWGraham: “I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
@KentWGraham: Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
@KentWGraham: My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn't. Then she was. Then wasn't. Then was. Now it looks like she's just waffling.