Funny Tweeter

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Page of KentWGraham's best tweets

@KentWGraham : PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

@KentWGraham: ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

@KentWGraham: There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

@KentWGraham: Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get

@KentWGraham: FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.

@KentWGraham: I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

@KentWGraham: My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

@KentWGraham: “I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

@KentWGraham: Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

@KentWGraham: My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn't. Then she was. Then wasn't. Then was. Now it looks like she's just waffling.