Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of KentWGraham's best tweets

@KentWGraham : Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.

@KentWGraham: I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.

@KentWGraham: When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

@KentWGraham: In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.

@KentWGraham: My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

@KentWGraham: I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

@KentWGraham: My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

@KentWGraham: I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

@KentWGraham: BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.

@KentWGraham: God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.