Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
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they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
found my next D&D character name
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
What about second breakfast?