Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
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Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
HERE’S MARKY
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.