If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
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Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Free him
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
6. me as a lawyer
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm