Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
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Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
bears
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.