Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Brands during Pride
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”