Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
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Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
🙂🐾
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.