my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
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Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.