like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
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Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island