Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
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One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.